John Mayer Has a Vagina

This is something that has been grinding at me for the past year. In a way, it’s been grinding at me since i was young (spice girls era. “If you wanna be my luva!!”).

Modern day rock music. The agony.

The watered down, diluted, diet-coke musicians regarded as icons. Jack White, The Black Keys, and a handful of others that dominate the airwaves with loads of pretentious, uninspired, and lack-luster music. Music that breaks no new ground.

What I have heard of the White Stripes is a lot of poor sound-quality recordings with semi-artistic, gibberish lyrics. Lyrics that are not profound or interesting to anyone able to see beyond the posturing of a guy without much real depth.

Its so derivitave. Spend a few days sifting through Jack Whites influences, and you’ll discover, piece by piece, the authentic origins of his talent. He’s not the worst, but he aint the messiah.

I don’t mean to criticize you if you like them, the Stripes (were) some of the best music around…. at the time. Thats how i look at it. I’d take it over Bieber. They’re a compromise, in the absence of better stuff.

It’s hard for me to hear clones of artists that had authentic power. I don’t blame the new era of musicians. They’ve grown up in a society that has devolved into lower and lower standards for what is acceptable…. song wise/album wise. Also true of many things outside of music.

Whether or not you care what im saying, you’ve been shafted. Boned. The record companies fucked you over. All of us.

They take less risks, and increasingly manufacture lab-created “artists”. Acts that are statistically guarenteed to make them profit. Meanwhile they drive the collective musical IQ of popular culture into the shitter. Woo hoo for internet piracy!

Thats why everyone on 94.9 sounds EXACTLY THE GOD DAMN SAME. It’s airbrushed, bended, molded, and saddistically twisted into a comfy mold that……sells. Fuck you if you support it. Ive always felt this way, before i even knew why it bothered me.

If you HAPPEN see me at Katie Blooms and i look unhappy, lost in a 20-to-1 guy/girl ratio while they grind to this vapid, mindless shit….don’t ask me why. Girls will be girls.. and boys will play along.

To be fair, Jack White doesnt fall into the above catagory. And he’s not nearly as bad as John Mayer…perhaps the biggest poser and absolute douchebag that ever entered the top 40 charts. Eat my ass John!

Negative, i know. Theres a positive message down the road.

Lets talk The Black Keys. The singles that come out month after month (i listen to alot of radio) annoy me beyond reason. Listen to the lyrics!

“I got a love that keeps me waiting. Im a lonely boy”

“I needed love! I wanted love! Most of all…most of all…”

His monotone, whimpy voice, does NOT change from song to song. It doesnt help the situation.

But the worst of all, the absolute 100% worst is that ‘Mumford and Sons’ song.

“And it was not YOUR fault but mine. And it was YOUR heart on the line. I really FUCKED it up this time. Didnt i my dear??”


He endlessly repeats those words. Could I have a root canal instead please? With extra drilling into my face?

I’d like to pose a question to the women reading this.

Is this kind of attitude attractive to you? Whiny, complaining, self-depriciation?

Perhaps, in theory. But you’d swoon for these lyrics, thinking about that guy who already has a girlfriend, or doesn’t give you the time of day.

If you met a guy who immediately projected this attitude?

Holy shit.

You’d be sitting around with all your gf’s… laughing at the texts he sends you. Then you’d fuck a guy with a motorcycle.

Yes, in real life you’d ditch this tampon wearing crybaby and hit the town with that lunatic rocker who wears alot of black (hi girls).

And a question for men:

Is this what you aspire to be? Forelorn, love-sick puppies that cry in their soup?

Fuck that, no guy wants to be that.

And so I strongly feel that we don’t need music like this. Music that makes the bitchy, helpless attitudes in the lyrics more and more culturally acceptable, and more and more the status quo….of male songwriting.

There was a time when the airwaves reflected a more dignified brand of masculinity.

A few examples:

“Hey hey mama, said the way you move, gonna make you sweat gonna make you groove” – From Led Zeppelin’s “Black Dog”

“Im dirty, I’m mean Im mighty and clean. Im a wanted man. Public enemy number one! Understand? So lock up your daughter, lock up your wife, lock up your back door and run for your life. The man is back in town.” From AC/DC’s “TNT”

“Whoa black betty, bamb-a-lam, whoa balck betty bamb-a-lam, SHE REALLY GETS ME HIGH, bamb-a-lam you know thats no lie bamb-a-lam.” Ram Jam’s “Black Betty” (Blast that and tell me you arent havin fun)

“Some people cry and some people die by the wicked ways of love. But I just keep on rolling along with the praise from the lord above.” – From Led Zeppelins “Heartbreaker”

When i was a kid, this was the stuff that got me pumped. That once-in-a-lifetime thrill….of hearing music that really got into my DNA, and lit me up. Its like falling in love, the first time is always the most memorable, and pleasurable.

Dont get me wrong. I have an equal appreciation for love songs and lyrics that happen to express the dejected, let down feelings we all experience (Radiohead). But within reason! And moderation!

The artists that sing those songs usually snap out of it and get down to brass tacks, eventually. Rollin’ along with the praise from the lord above. Confident and sure of themselves (ok, maybe not Radiohead). Thats the music that first inspired me and continues to inspire me…all the more because its so lacking today.

It’s empowering. It lifts you up, instead of drawing you deeper into self pity.

Also, those artists weren’t auto-tuned, overproduced, talent-less publicity-whores. When they played live, it wasnt lip-synching, or shirtless male go-go dancers, and 153 different lights flashing to keep you entertained.

There was a spotlight or two, a PA system and a band that gave it their all… from their own hands and imagniations.


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